I subscribe to Ksenia Anske’s blog because she makes her writing process public, and shares invaluable insight, so helpful for every emerging writer out there. Please check her out at www.kseniaanske.com.
Her latest post has to do with the rhythm of sentences.
Read her article here: http://www.kseniaanske.com/blog/2014/6/21/vary-the-rhythm-of-your-sentences
I decided to take her advice and count the segments and words in my sentences. Needless to say, I found too many. One paragraph alone had 6-8 sentences, 2-3 segments each, 10-30 words each segment (segments are separated by commas in complex-compound sentences). That’s a lot. I use a lot of adjectives and adverbs; I’ve seen this style described as Victorian. I’m sure it has to do with the type of literature I studied in college; I’ve read so much of it that it now permeates my own writing. I’m not sure it’s a bad thing, I do like it.
BUT my sentences are too long, and convoluted at times. I try to express too many things at the same time, because that’s how I think. I do enjoy this type of writing, although it takes a master like Charles Dickens or Jane Austen to make it beautiful and easy to follow. I’m no master. I have a lot of work to do.
SO I took a few paragraphs from a second draft of my book (Yes, I’m working on a second draft, following a discussion with a friend who made some awesome suggestions). I re-wrote the paragraphs using some tips from editors, and included the segment and word count advice from Ms. Anske.
THEN I posted the paragraphs on www.writing.com, and asked reviewers to tell me which one read better: the long one, or the tight one where I really paid attention to the rhythm and varied it. 5 people agreed that the tight paragraph read better, and left no chances to wander off.
JUST in case you’re curious, I’m including those here, so you can see the difference for yourself. If you want, tell me which paragraph sounds better to you, as a reader. The original paragraph is in normal font, the revised one is in red. In one case, I even split the paragraph in two.
**
Oh my god, I can’t believe she’s here again, Lia’s hands started shaking at the sight of the girl she had been stalking for the past couple of months. Whenever she was around her, Lia didn’t have any control over how her body reacted. Her heart beat as it did whenever she attempted to spring and couldn’t, because she was quite out of shape. Her hands shook at the thought of making eye contact with the girl whose name she hadn’t managed to find out yet. Her stomach tightened, and involuntary diaphragm spasms caused her to choke up while speaking.
I can’t believe it, Lia’s hands started shaking. The girl she had been stalking for the past couple of months was there. Whenever she was close, Lia lost control of her body. Her heart beat as it did whenever she attempted to spring and couldn’t, because she was quite out of shape. Her hands shook at the thought of making eye contact. She didn’t even know her name yet. Her stomach tightened, and involuntary diaphragm spasms caused her to choke up while speaking.
**
The bar was dimly lit and smoky, and the music was loud. Patrons were busy discussing the most recent soccer game when fights had broken out and people had landed in the hospital. Lia didn’t care about soccer games. She had had enough of all the men in her family monopolizing the only TV set in the house every time a championship was on. She cupped the mug of hot red wine in her hands for warmth, and closed her eyes just for a second to inhale the sweet black pepper aroma which opened her sinuses and made her sniffle. One second of reverie, and she saw herself in Angie’s arms, kissing her rosy lips fiercely and shamelessly.
The bar was dimly lit and smoky. The music was loud. Patrons were busy discussing a recent soccer game with fights that had landed people in the hospital. Lia didn’t care about soccer games. She cupped the mug of hot red wine in her hands for warmth. She closed her eyes just for a second and inhaled. The sweet black pepper aroma opened her sinuses and made her sniffle. One second of reverie, and she saw herself in Angie’s arms, kissing her rosy lips fiercely and shamelessly.
**
As various friends pulled chairs close after ordering their drinks, Lia glanced over to Angie. She felt her stomach tighten again, as jealous claws poked at her heart. She would have given anything to be in the petite girl’s place. Except I’m not petite. Angie was holding the girl’s hand, caressing it softly. Once in a while, a kiss landed on that girl’s forehead, and Lia wondered what that would feel like. She couldn’t stop watching them. Angie’s piercing blue eyes were hypnotizing. Their shape, perfectly oblong and curled upwards, was perfectly symmetrical. Her hair, natural black curls, could barely be contained in some sort of pony tail which Angie kept trying to fix. Every time she did, Lia could see a small portion of pale skin between Angie’s blue shirt and jeans. She felt her heart beat faster every time she envisioned touching her there. Angie laughed. Lia smiled watching. She is so perfect, she thought. How can someone this perfect ever even see me? She would hate me, anyway. All her friends are so… small and elegant, and they wear heels in the middle of winter. I would fall flat on my ass just trying. Oh my God, if my mother knew about this, she would kill me. I gotta be home by eleven tonight, otherwise I won’t get out for a month. So many things can happen in a month. I might never see her again. That can’t happen.
Their friends pulled chairs close after ordering drinks. Lia glanced over to Angie. She felt her stomach tighten again. Jealous claws poked at her heart. She would have given anything to be in the petite girl’s place. Except I’m not petite. Angie held the girl’s hand, caressing it softly. Once in a while, she kissed the girl’s forehead, and Lia wondered what that would feel like. She couldn’t stop watching them.
Angie’s piercing blue eyes were hypnotizing. Their shape, perfectly oblong and slightly curled upwards, was perfectly symmetrical. Her naturally black curls were barely contained by a ponytail Angie kept trying to fix. Every time she did, Lia could see pale skin between Angie’s blue shirt and jeans. She felt her heart beat faster when she envisioned touching her there. Angie laughed. Lia smiled watching. She is so perfect, she thought. How can someone this perfect ever even see me? She would hate me, anyway. All her friends are so… small and elegant, and they wear heels in the middle of winter. I would fall flat on my ass just trying. Oh my God, if my mother knew about this, she would kill me. I gotta be home by eleven tonight, otherwise I won’t get out for a month. So many things can happen in a month. I might never see her again. That can’t happen.
**
Lia wasn’t free. She lived at home with her mother, and attending college locally. It was all she could afford. She had taken exams twice at universities in other cities, and had failed. She hadn’t even wanted to try again, this time locally, but her mother had refused to listen to her desire of just getting a job and forgetting about college. God knows they needed the income. They were all alone, and her mother worked in a retail store downtown. They barely had food on the table, and clothes on their backs. Lia wore jeans her mother modified for her, as she gained weight. She wore one pair of tennis shoes until she felt the ground scratching the soles of her feet. On her 18th birthday, their fridge was unplugged, because there was nothing worth preserving in there. Not even a cake.
Lia wasn’t free. She lived with her mother. She attended college locally, although all she wanted was to get a job. God knows they needed the income. Her mother had refused to listen to her plea, and she was now a student. They were all alone, and her mother worked in retail. They barely had food on the table, and clothes on their backs. Lia wore jeans her mother modified for her, as she gained weight. She wore one pair of tennis shoes until she felt the ground scratching the soles of her feet. Only then she could buy a new one. On her 18th birthday, their fridge was unplugged, because there was nothing worth preserving in there. Not even a cake.
**
SO what do you think?
WHICH paragraph sounds better?
ANY other suggestions?
Cheers.