I’m watching news about two 12-year-old girls who stabbed one of their friends 19 times and left her for dead on a biking trail. I don’t plan to comment on it at all, because I wasn’t there, I don’t know details (other than what the media presents, and we all know how much to trust that), and it wouldn’t make any difference anyway.
What I’m thinking about is the fact that kids will ALWAYS try to get around parental restrictions to get to what they want, what they think appeals to them and makes them cool, what they perceive as prohibited. As a child, you always want what you can’t have (although I do know plenty of adults who operate under the same principle). You can try and use however many rules and tools to keep them from doing something; you can put parental controls on TV’s, phones, tablets, computers; you can make them not hang out with people you don’t like; you can ground them, take their privileges away, you can do whatever you want. But the second a parent says No, you’re not allowed, that kid will want to do exactly that. And the real issue is that if they want it badly enough, they WILL find a way to get access to it or to do it.
I’m just wondering if talking to kids about the why of things might lead to different results. I wonder if explaining the reasoning behind why you don’t want them to do certain things or associate with certain people might make a difference. I don’t know, but I would like to believe that I will be able to raise my kids without fear of talking to me and asking questions about information they get from the environment outside our home. Of course, age and development will be taken into account, as certain topics can definitely wait until the kids are old enough to understand abstract concepts. I just find that a lot of times not being able to talk to your parents, because you’re afraid of what they might say, and think they will somehow punish you for your questions, might lead to some really bad decisions. We all know parents who won’t discuss certain issues with their kids, whatever their taboos are. I choose to believe we’re all capable of using reasoning and logic, and explain things in a way that will make children get why they shouldn’t do certain things.
I’m thinking about natural consequences here. Tell them exactly what would happen, and see if they can take the consequences of their actions. For example:
Let me tell what’s going to happen if you don’t use protection. You see, there’re these little thingies called spermatozoa that will travel really fast into your belly and find an egg, and then BOOM! You’re growing another person inside of you. BUT that’s not all! Let me tell you what might happen if you have it: you’ll have to quit school to raise it (because I’m not supporting the result of you being irresponsible), which means you’ll have to get a job or two (hmmm, we need to figure out what skills you have at this age and what jobs you can get without a high-school diploma; Oh, we’ll also need to figure out where you’re gonna live because I already raised the person I made; Oooh ohh, by the way, do you know how much it cost to give birth in the hospital? Please don’t forget you’ll need lots of diapers, too). And then OMG What if little Billie decides he doesn’t actually want to be a father after all because he’s 15 and his own parents want him to go to college? Hmmm, so here’s your choice: you use protection and you get to finish school, go to college, learn some things, and THEN make another person, OR you can NOT use protection and NOT finish school, and NOT go to college, and guess what? Awww, you still have this little person you have to provide for and raise. On your own. So what’s it gonna be?
Just saying…