Category: Everything

How I came to be here:
I found your portfolio icon among the ranks of Power Reviewers and chose this story for the curious title. And of course, everyone wants to read what happens when online dating is involved.

First Thoughts
The presentation is inviting, with a larger font for easier reading. The paragraphing is correct, but it’s obvious this will be primarily narrative with no dialogue. Also, I simply don’t understand why writers don’t name their characters. I’ll have to refer to the major protagonist as the narrator. Okay! Here we go!

Plot/Setting/Characters 
The story opened with an active setting and the main protagonist and conflict were introduced.  She made up a convincing lie for her mom, just like so many others, and set off on a train ride to destination unknown. She was greeted by a friend, also unnamed, and the hunt began.

You gave the reader quite a bit to worry about. They never even exchanged pictures? It’s interesting. Can two people really fall for each other without knowing male or female? Wouldn’t something come through the words, somehow?

Next, the narrator goes on what seems an impossible task. She’s supposed to know the guy on sight. Her thinking was authentic. I’d be worried too! And if she’s already been given reason to mistrust, this would probably break her.

I liked the part about magic threads connecting them at birth, but had never been reeled in.  Although, ‘reeled in’ made me think of fishing line, not thread.

You worked in some curiosities. He had a tongue ring and she seemed to want to taste his blood. Not in a bad, vampire-way, maybe just a way to be that much closer. That’s the impression I got, anyway. I didn’t find it disturbing at all.

Considerations
Choose active over passive verbs. Practice word economy.

I think if you converted this over to more dialogue versus telling, you’d like the results. You can keep the narrative and use italics to bring her to life. For example:

“Her heart was beating just a little bit faster for a reason she couldn’t figure out.”

I can only think of one corny line, but it will give you an idea of what I mean. Inner dialogue determines personality, so this narrator would be a little dramatic.

Oh, beating heart be still.

Or when she enters the cafe–

Are those video-gamers staring at me? My hair must be a wreck!

Parting thoughts
I’m asking what probably every other reviewer wants to know. Why can’t they be together? Love always finds a way. I think it’s only fair to give the reader a plausible reason why they part forevermore.

Well, I threw a whole lot of ideas at you, which hopefully excited and motivated you. Okay, I can be dramatic, too. If you don’t like what I said, well, that’s why we have a delete button.

WdC is an amazing place to meet people and practice writing skills. I hope to see you around. Keep writing!

Personal Impression: I am speechless. I can’t believe the devil got away with all of that and that mother just let it happen because of blind faith. I am outraged right now at the injustice of it all. How will they ever catch that rat? 

Tone & Mood: Great tone and mood. It has a dark mood to it. The tone was tight and constant. It hooked you right from the start with sympathy for Anne and then the normal teenage rebellion that occurs that she couldn’t handle. So, she seeks out something to make her happy.

Emotional Impact: You caused me to wonder and speculate. I wonder at what will happen now. What will happen when sweet momma gives up on him? You could write a book with this short story, isn’t that is what we strive for as writers? A story that has a great hook?

Grammar/Punctuation: You did an excellent job with this. I see no problems other than the double ?? when you should have used an exclamation mark.

Summary: Your overall story was well presented and held my attention. I felt for the woman and the kids, all three of them. I didn’t care for the husband. I was completely sucked in and thought that you could make a story out of this. I mean a long story like a novel or novella. 

Overall: I would recommend this to others and buy the book if you wrote it because I think you would do well to make a book out of this. 

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this story. Please keep on writing more stories just like this!

From Billie on www.writing.com

What a lucky child Mihaela was. I heard much of the same advice but it generally wasn’t stated so affirmatively.

For starters, I think the change from italics was a good device to separate past from present. It reminded me of the wavy lines they use in TV shows to begin flashbacks. Good work. For me, that improved the readability of your work. Otherwise I would have been confused about your point.

My only problem with the first half stems from the opening clause. I say this because this is far too much information for a first grader to comprehend. Perhaps, “Over the years my mother taught me many of life’s lessons, beginning in the first grade”. Or something like that.

You have one question that starts with “is” rather than “can”. I think that was important. It prompts the reader. Nice. It also affirms that the lessons your Mom taught have stuck with you and been the model for your life. This lends credibility to your discourse.

Personally, I appreciate that you don’t single out any particular age group for your comments. I’ve been working over 40 years and have known lazy dolts of my own age and seen lazy adults too. I deplore when older folks criticize all young as not having any work ethic. I see kids with no work ethic as well as those who share your mothers sentiments.

One suggestion. The tone of your questions seems somewhat angry which may turn off an open minded reader. A helpful suggestion to a few of these questions might alleviate that.

Otherwise, I’m with you and am glad we had similar upbringings.

From Karl Doyle on www.writing.com

Hi there! You are being reviewed by a newbie!

Tone & Mood: Great tone and mood.I thought the mood was reflective and I was taken in by it.

Emotional Impact: You caused me to wonder and speculate. How could someone meet another person that they perceived to love without knowing who or what that person was? I was completely lost in the story. That is what we strive for as writers.

Grammar/Punctuation: You did an excellent job with this. I see no problems.

Summary: Your overall story was well presented and held my attention. I was hoping she would find him and he be the person of her dreams and he was. I was just floored over the ending. I don’t know if it will continue or if it was the end for them. I felt it was the end, but what reason was it for and how old were they? I wanted to know so much more about it. 

Overall: I would recommend this to others and buy the book if you wrote it because I think you would do well to make a book out of this. There is something to this story. I find the finding of one’s love interest in such a way to be romantic and I think you could get a book out of this.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this story. Please keep on writing more stories just like this!

From Billiegail on www.writing.com

Today, I’m going to be reviewing your story that I found on the “Read a Newbie” page. Remember that the following is just my personal opinion as a reader. I’m not a professional and you know your work best. If you find something useful here, feel free to use it. If you don’t, feel free to disregard this review.

Title and Description: The title is a good juxtaposition to the subject matter of the piece. The description gives us a little more information about what we’re about to read about.

Subject Matter and Characters: The main character in this piece is being sexually abused at the hands of the people he should be able trust the most- his parents. It’s hard to watch him so helpless in the situation and you did a good job of building that emotion for the reader.

What I liked: I liked that you told the story well without telling it so straightforward. The references to giving kids away for Ziploc bags tells a lot without coming right out and saying what it’s about. I like that the reader gets inside of the child’s mind this way. He is confused in the situation and doesn’t know what is going on, but we can tell what is going on as adults. I think it’s a subject that should be talked about more often, so I like that you’re writing about it.

Possible Suggestions: My suggestions have to do with the formatting and technical writing side of the story. There needs to be paragraphs when the subject changes, because as it is now, it just looks like a big wall of text. Readers will have a hard time keeping place when there isn’t proper spacing and paragraphs. The point is that you want to get as many people to read it as possible. I also noticed quite a few fragments in your story where the sentences were half thoughts with just verbs.

Summary: Overall, I thought this was a well-written piece and it talks about an interesting topic. I think it needs to be edited on the technical side a little bit. Thanks again for sharing with us!

From Charlie on www.writing.com

I  discovered “Treason, Dignity, and Jail”  on the Essay Page, the description under the title aroused my curiosity, and I had to read it. The first paragraph contains the hook that draws the reader into the essay. In this case the hook is the author’s father being found guilty of treason. The author moves this essay forward at a good pace, while revealing her father’s personality and understanding of the consequences of his actions.

What I liked: There are a couple of things that I like about this essay. First, this is my favorite phrase, after making their peace with the consequences were they to get caught again, because it reveals the author’s father knew what would happen but that freedom was the most important thing he could have. Second, I like the statement the author’s mother made to the judge who propositioned her to make her husbands sentence lighter because it revealed a strong woman.

Technical Issues or Typos: I found no technical problems or typos.

Suggestions: I have no suggestions.

I enjoyed reading this emotional, thought provoking, and well planned essay. I am giving this a 5.0 because the author did an excellent job of expressing her emotions about her father, while giving the reader several things to think about. Write on.

From P. Snow on www.writing.com

I’m not going to comment on the writing here. there were no major problems and its just not important. The content is what pushes through and eclipses everything else. You should write this, tell your dad’s story. Your anger is barely controlled, infectious, and valid. Spread it. It’s how things change. (I Hope)

I was seven when the apartheid government ended in South Africa, where I live. Lucky for me none of my immediate relatives were so involved in the struggle that anybody was tried for treason (I suppose I’m lucky, I’m ashamed to admit some of them were on the giving side the violence, rather than the receiving) but I have seen enough human degradation, violence and loss of dignity to have a fair idea of what you are talking about. I recognized a lot of it, it seems the pattern stays the same where ever you go. In the 80’s the South African president, PW Botha was just as stupid, uneducated and brainlessly ruthless. 

Your father is a brave man, nobody really realizes how hard it is to be defiant when an regime is so institutionalized. The question if I would ever be able to act as bravely as people like your father did still haunts me sometimes. Let me know if you ever want to discuss some of the things you remember about Romania, I’m always available. Thank you. 

From Eliacie on www.writing.com

Your brother is a prodigy as I am sure you realize by now. What a wonder he is. As a young child I can understand the hurt when he married and was not longer around. Even when he discovered that music was his passion. I don’t know how old either one of your are, but for you and your brother, you should make every effort to see him and become brothers again.

As for your story, it is just plain and honest and very good. It is good to put down on paper. Reread it out loud to yourself. You may find something you need to change. If you do reconcile, please rewrite your story as all of us will cheer you on.

I, myself, would not change one word.

From Lynda on www.writing.com

Written in a way it made me, your reader, read faster and faster as if addicted to your every word…I wanted to learn what specific thing caused the sadness of the first paragraph about losing your brother so many years early. When I got to the end, I too “felt deprived” because I had learned that two adult brothers quit having a relationship because the older one married a possessive woman who prevented him from having the relationship his heart hungered for…as shown by his early morning visits to his dear mother. Why oh why do individuals let all the person they marry, by threats or worse, to cause them to turn away from beloved family? I simply cannot understand how such a man as your brother who did HIS OWN THING while growing up, become a pawn in the hands/relationship with the woman he married. What a wimp!!

Great writing. Every phrase and sentence moves the message forward. Well done. I did not see an error or any part I would change. Every line counts and strengthens the message; and breaks the heart of your reader.

I hope you find a way one day to break down that wall she created and enjoy a brother to brother relationship.

Keep writing and let us know how the relationship re-grows so your heart is blessed.

From Ann on www.writing.com

I discovered “My Brother” on the Read a Newbie page. The narrative moves the essay forward at a good pace describing how the author’s brother got the piano and learned to play without lessons. The main emotions of this essay are love and longing, which are expressed throughout by the way the author writes about her brother.

What I liked: There are several things that I like about this essay. Firs, I like this metaphor, with the hunger of the man deprived for years,because it is fresh, expressive, and describes in a few words how the author’s brother felt about music. Second, I like the way the author express her emotions and love for her brother through the narrative. Third, end of this essay brought tears to my eyes because of the way the author’s relationship with her brother ended. Forth, these are my favorite phrases, his magic was too powerful, his music too much like that of sirens, because they reveal the natural gift the author’s brother had for music.

Technical Issues or Typos: I found not typos or obvious technical problems.

Suggestions: I have no suggestions.

I enjoyed reading this intriguing essay. Write on.

From P. Snow on www.writing.com