How to Drive Successfully in Bad Texas Weather

Make sure your phone is glued to your hand (any type of glue would do the trick) so you can text all your friends and tell them how bad the rain is and how slippery the pavement; for your moron friends, there should also be encouragement to go out and drive around even if they don’t have anywhere to go.
Make sure you drive 40 miles either above or below the speed limit (because traffic signs are just a suggestion, after all), preferably in a jacked-up truck that occupies both lanes easily, and with your music blasting because everyone absolutely adores country music, just as much as you do!
Make sure you ignore all the traffic cops who flash their lights behind you (they wouldn’t really get out of their cars in this weather, would they?).
Make sure you have a mug of hot coffee that you can spill on yourself (this might also help with driving 40 miles under the speed limit, especially in the fast lane), so that you can swerve consistently and to the horror of every other driver around you.
Make sure you admire the deer coming out of the woods (because zoos are sooo expensive to go visit), and who knows when you might see them again (it’s Texas!!!)
Make sure you cut other drivers off, and box them in between two 18-wheelers whose drivers don’t give a flying fuck about the weather (the sense of self-entitlement everyone has worked so hard to instill in you all your life will definitely help with that).